How to Have a Hard Conversation

Camp Fire Alabama

Conflict isn’t fun. Hard conversations can feel like a gut-punch, so most of us do everything we can to avoid them. But in the end, avoidance isn’t good for us, or our relationships.

The good news? There are healthy ways to handle conflict and hard conversations. Anyone can learn them. None of us will become experts overnight, but we can start now to learn how to have better conversations…and better conflict resolution. (Remember that growth mindset!)

Like we teach our Camp Fire youth, not every hard conversation will turn out perfectly with everyone will happy in the end. But if we strive to approach discussing problems in the best possible way, there is a high percentage the interaction will go well, and everyone will benefit!

Here’s what we can do to set ourselves up for hard conversation success:

1. First of all, be genuine when you approach someone. Let them know that things are about to get real! You might even ask up front, “Can we talk for a little bit? I have something really important I need to share with you.” When you sit down to talk, you could say, “This is hard for me to bring up, and I’m not sure exactly how it will come out but I want to ask for your patience and grace as I try to explain how I’ve been feeling…”

2. Go into the conversation with positive intentions. Resolve to listen, hear the other side, say what you need to say and reach a good ending.

3. As you continue the conversation, keep that end goal in mind. You want to resolve this conflict in a healthy way! That means it matters how you get there and how you express yourself.

Always try to be:

  • Kind, even if you’re upset
  • Thoughtful and intentional in your word choices… words are powerful!
  • Calm while using a matter-of-fact tone of voice
  • Respectful
  • Focused on how YOU feel, not accusatory. Don’t say “You do X, or you never do Y…” Say “I feel like X, and it seems like Y to me…”
  • Genuine and true to you!

Getting things off your chest in a healthy way is a truly beautiful thing, especially as honor yourself and how you feel. Go into hard conversations seeking the best for the person you’re talking with, and for yourself. Try to stay humble. No one has all the answers or knows it all, and all of us makes mistakes.

See our new infographic on 11 Tips for Better Conflict Resolution for even more ideas. And don’t worry, this takes practice and diligence! And with your practice comes wisdom, maturity, and more successful hard conversations.

You can do it! Good luck.

Camp Fire Transforms Youth Into Powerful Peacemakers

Camp Fire Orca in Tacoma, Washington.

Can you feel it? In the past several years, our culture seems to have hit new highs…or lows…when it comes to division, hostility, and opposition.

While we see constant conflict take its toll globally, we also know how interpersonal problems can do serious damage in our kids’ and teens’ lives. From bullying to academic trouble to depression, conflict on a micro-scale quickly causes big problems.

That’s why Camp Fire has been working on a comprehensive Conflict Resolution curriculum, launching nationwide in early 2018. It began in partnership with the University of Kansas School of Social Work in 2011. Working with 11 underserved schools in the Kansas City district, Camp Fire Heartland collaborated with educators, counselors, kids, and parents to develop super-useable conflict resolution tools. The response has been overwhelmingly positive.

The curriculum helps kids build their peacemaking skills on individual, interpersonal and community levels. The program is tailored for three age groups (K-1st grade, 2nd-3rd grade and 4th-6th grade). The curriculum is split into a series of 45 to 60-minute modules (on topics like communication styles, negotiation and respect) that work in both camp and classroom settings.

Kayla Neal teaches Conflict Resolution to kids at summer camp in Kansas City, MO (July 2017).

Kayla Neal, Assistant Program Manager at Camp Fire Heartland, taught all three age categories Conflict Resolution at day camp this summer and is now teaching the program in the Kansas City school district.

“The program gives them a clear outlet to talk about their feelings,” Kayla says. “It helps them ask, ‘What is making me feel that emotion?’ It gives them a way to think differently and think collectively as a group.”

Kayla says most kids can tell you if they are mad, happy or sad. But learning to differentiate between more complex emotions—frustration, anxiety, disappointment—can help them manage and communicate their feelings better.

Youth at Camp Fire Orca in Washington State play tug-of-war.

“Being able to identify the emotion—it starts there,” Kayla says. “Then they can figure out what’s really going on.”

For example, Kayla says, if a youth can differentiate between being mad and being anxious, they can also identify the cause of that anxiety, and what they can do about it. “If I’m feeling a little anxiety about a test, then I can ask myself what I can do to help with that anxiety: study, get some rest.”

The program helps kids manage their feelings and also communicate their emotions to others more effectively. That emotional intelligence can help mitigate childhood conflicts, especially intense ones like bullying.

As part of Camp Fire’s Thrive{ology} approach, the conflict resolution curriculum has already had an impact. When we measure kids’ belief in their ability to talk to someone they were “mad at” before taking part in Camp Fire’s programming, they rate their confidence much lower than other life skills. But early studies show that kids are self-reporting big leaps in their conflict-resolution confidence after a spring and summer of Camp Fire fun.

According to Camp Fire National Headquarter’s Program Consultant Nikki Roe Cropp, out of all the ‘Thriving Indicators’ we measure in youth, the skills they learn in Conflict Resolution has shown the greatest growth. This research makes it all the more exciting to be able to launch our tested Conflict Resolution curricula to the other 55 Camp Fire councils in the New Year.

Conflict resolution skills are endangered and transformative. Thanks for your support as we equip more youth to be proactive and learn to handle conflict in a healthy way! It’s a beautiful thing, and everyone wins.

Photo from Camp Fire Seattle, taken by Jenny Gawf

Find your local council and see if they will have this program available, or ask what other awesome programs they have going on!

$2.5 Million Investment from the S. D. Bechtel, Jr. Foundation to Build Camp Fire’s Capacity

 

S.D. Bechtel, Jr. Foundation

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
September 24, 2017

$2.5 Million Investment from the S. D. Bechtel, Jr. Foundation to Build Camp Fire’s Capacity, Increase Impact, Serve More Youth

Kansas City, Mo. — The S. D. Bechtel, Jr. Foundation invested again in Camp Fire, a national youth development organization, with a generous grant of $2.5 million to help build organizational capacity and reach more kids and teens with its leading, research-based programs.

The $2.5 million will be distributed over a two-and-a-half-year period and will focus on leadership development for the staff and board; the continued expansion of Camp Fire’s online learning system to mobilize highly trained staff and volunteers; increase the local affiliate capacity across the country to deliver more high-quality programs; strengthen Camp Fire’s fundraising arm; and helping raise brand awareness nationally.

Previous investments in Camp Fire from The S. D. Bechtel, Jr. Foundation, totaling nearly $800,000 over the past two years, supported specific capacity building initiatives for both Camp Fire National Headquarters and the affiliate system. This new investment brings the Foundation’s total commitment to Camp Fire to $3.3 million.

“Camp Fire is honored to announce this investment and partnership with prominent foundations like the S. D. Bechtel, Jr. Foundation. The Foundation’s leadership continues to heavily invest in a big vision for how we can better teach, equip, and support America’s youth for maximum impact,” said Cathy Tisdale, President and CEO of Camp Fire National Headquarters. “This new investment will strengthen Camp Fire’s organizational capacity; support our innovation and growth; and take us to the next level in our ability to deliver Our Promise as we work with our 54 councils nationwide to improve the lives of hundreds of thousands of youth, their families, and their communities across the country.”

About Camp Fire

Camp Fire has been an innovative leader in youth development since 1910. Its proven programs give kids the life skills they need now so they can reach their full potential. Last year, Camp Fire’s 53 councils served more than 184,000 youth and families across 1,341 program sites, in 25 states and in D.C. All Camp Fire programs are based on cutting-edge research and founded on the pillars of Social Emotional Learning (SEL), delivered through Out-of-School-Time (OST) programs, environmental education and camp, and teen service and leadership development. Because youth shape the world, Camp Fire’s focus is on giving youth and teens the opportunity to find their spark, lift their voice, and discover who they are.

About the S. D. Bechtel, Jr. Foundation

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For more information, please contact:

Erin Risner, Director of Marketing & Communications, Camp Fire National Headquarters

816.285.2001, erin.risner@campfire.org

How We Talk About Failure & Success with Our Kids

Camp Fire Gulf Wind in Pensacola, Florida, Aug. 2017

Current research shows that our intelligence isn’t fixed – it can actually change!

How? One of the keys to success in both school and life is adopting a growth mindset.

Camp Fire believes it is important to help the kids and teens in our lives – and even ourselves! – believe that they have the ability to change and learn.

As we’re growing our positive brain muscles, it’s important to pay attention to how we encourage young people. A few simple shifts in the way we talk about both mistakes and successes can significantly alter kids’ mindsets.

Making the Most of Mistakes

It’s tempting to go into sympathy mode when a kid or teen in your life is recovering from a setback. But research reports that offering too much consolation can distract kids from the valuable lessons the mistake presents.

In fact, one study showed that when teachers had a comfort-oriented response to a low math score (“It’s ok. You’re better at other subjects,” for example), kids came away from that interaction with lower expectations for themselves and lower motivation to learn. They heard the implied message—you’re just not good at math, and that’s OK—loud and clear.

As other social scientists put it, “It is possible that adults’ attempts to comfort children may hinder the learning process by influencing the extent to which children attend to and make sense of their mistakes. That is, adults may inadvertently distract children from learning from their errors.”

Instead of trying to make kids feel better immediately when they hit a roadblock, congratulate them on taking a risk. Then encourage them to pay more attention, not less, to the mistake, setback or obstacle.

“If they are upset because they cannot do something, then we do a lot of encouraging,” says Pamila Townson, Director of the Camp Fire Century Youth Learning Center (Camp Fire Gulf Wind).

Pamila suggests using phrases like:

  • “Look how far you have come.”
  • “I bet if you keep practicing you will be able to do even better the next time.”
  • “Let me know if you need help—it is ok to ask for help!”

Pamila says they encourage kids to use their Spark to help them set goals, make plans and move forward.

Angela Dikes, VP of Professional Growth at Camp Fire First Texas, agrees. “I would emphasize the message that it’s time to try again. Let’s talk about what the next step might be.”

When encouraging kids to think about what’s next—new strategies, more training—Angela uses questions like:

  • “Is seems like that didn’t go your way. What do you think happened?”
  • “What do you think you would do differently next time?”
  • “What do you need?”

Praising the process

Now that you’ve got your setback conversation game on lock, let’s look at how to celebrate a growth mindset in times of success.

Some of our go-to compliments (“You’re so smart!” “You’re so talented!”) are based in a more fixed mindset. Without meaning to, we’re commenting on what someone is instead of what they’ve done, practiced or learned. When we shift the way we praise to honor the effort, tenacity or courage someone has put into their success, we can build a growth mindset, instead.

Instead of praising who a quality, try to switch to complimenting a kid’s process.

“We work to encourage kids rather than just praising them,” Angela says. “We praise effort, strategies and progress, not intelligence or abilities.”

Pamila offers these growth-mindset encouragements:

  • “I can tell you practiced a lot!”
  • “I can see the effort you put into your work”
  • “Thank you for trying hard.”

“Encourage them to set goals and give them tools to overcome challenges in everyday life,” Pamila says. “Stress the importance of practice, adjustments, effort, and commitment. With these all things are possible.”

For more great growth mindset advice, check out The Search Institute’s charts on “Cultivating Growth Mindsets” and “Praise Pointers for Parents and Teachers”.

Growth Mindset: Your Key to Thriving

Teens embody a growth mindset on the high ropes course at Camp Fire Columbia’s Camp Namanu, outside of Portland, Oregon, in August 2017

Do you believe people can change? Do you think we can grow? Do you consider things like intelligence, talents and skills prizes of a random genetic lottery or qualities anybody can develop with time and tenacity?

Camp Fire is built around the belief that we can boost our smarts, develop new skills (or lose them if we don’t practice) and learn new ways to, well, learn.

In the Camp Fire world, mistakes aren’t failures; they are an important part of how we grow.

This approach to life and learning is called a growth mindset, and it permeates Camp Fire’s culture.

In the words of Stanford’s Dr. Carol Dweck, “In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.”

Love of learning? Check. Resilience? Yep. We’re all about that. Once kids and teens have found their sparks, a growth mindset arms them with the curiosity and grit to develop them.

How do you know if you have a growth mindset? As yourself a few simple questions (or take Dr. Dweck’s in-depth quiz, if you have more time).

If you nodded yup to 2 and 4, you’re working that growth mindset like a boss. If you answered yeah, probably to 1 and 3, you are likely operating out of a fixed mindset.

  1. When you describe your own skills and talents, do you generally say they are things you were born with…
  2. …or things you worked hard to develop?
  3. When you run into a challenge, do you often blame the problem on a personal lack (“I’m just not creative”)…
  4. …or get curious about what you could change to find a solution?

A fixed mindset is the opposite of a growth mindset. It assumes intelligence and talents are innate: you either have them or you don’t. If we don’t question that mindset, we’re left feeling anxious that we don’t have what it takes to overcome obstacles…and can’t do anything to change those deficiencies.

Fortunately, neuroscience shows us that our brains are malleable. Our brains grow when we use them—just like our muscles. We can teach ourselves to adopt a growth mindset, just like any other skill. We can change! That’s good news because having a growth mindset is scientifically linked to all kinds of great stuff, including higher parental school involvement, the ability to weather traumatic events, and lower rates of childhood depression and anxiety.

We’re going to spend September exploring growth mindsets here on the blog and across our social media accounts. Follow along and join in the #growthmindset conversation!

The Power of Naming the Spark

“I see a spark as something that inspires you to grow, and something that inspires you to help other people around you grow.”

These are wise words from Spencer, a Camp Fire counselor. We love this story: Spencer saw a spark in his camper Trey. Naming it changed Trey and their whole cabin community.

Some other things we can learn from Spencer and Trey’s story:

  • Sparks can be social and emotional skills like Trey’s: making other people feel like they belong.
  • Sparks are for using and encouraging now. Sure, Trey is thinking about how he’s going to use his spark in a future career, but his present life is bigger, fuller and happier because he’s using it today.
  • Naming someone’s spark is powerful stuff. Trey says a key moment in his life was when Spencer both called out his spark and suggested an immediate way to develop it.

Still not convinced? See what science has to say. Here is a cool infographic with 16 benefits of Sparks!

This is what Camp Fire is all about. If your spark is similar to Trey’s—if you love to include and inspire others—we want to meet you! Volunteer at a Camp Fire near you. And if you know a kid who is still looking for their passion, sign them up to find their spark at a local Camp Fire.

Living Life with Forward Momentum: One College Senior’s Key to Success

When a book on growth mindset becomes a young man’s go-to college companion — one he shared with his roommate who was struggling with challenging life decisions — it’s clear that tenacity and courage (the cornerstones of a growth mindset) have sunk in, and sunk in deep.

In conversation with Jakob D., a Camp Fire alumni and college senior, he shared how Camp Fire first introduced him to Carol Dweck’s book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

“I learned to never give up, to always keep trying. I never doubted a solution would eventually come to me. And I trusted that though the solution may not be perfect, there’s often perfection in the imperfection,” Jakob articulated.

Jakob has learned what many adults still struggle to master. “I relax in the moment,” he shared. “I find happiness and joy in the simple things. I take pride in my work.”

Jakob recounts his experience as a Camp Fire camp counselor as work he was especially proud of. When the youth he was working with were particularly frustrated, he had them approach the problem without speaking. “Though it took more time, the kids learned that slowing down is actually a good thing. It made them focus. They learned to be more deliberate, using hand signals to communicate between them. And they solved the problem.”

Though Jakob said he would have loved to have taken credit for the idea of adopting silence to work through a group challenge, he deferred to Camp Fire. “I learned the idea from my elders,” he said.

Jakob concludes by circling back to a growth mindset. He is convinced that what he learned from Camp Fire has been the underpinning of living his life with forward momentum.

“I keep trying to learn new skill sets. I don’t get stuck,” Jakob states emphatically. And when he does? He refers back to his book. “It always helps,” he concludes.

Jakob is set to graduate in December 2017 with a major in computer science. We are inspired by Jakob’s story and can’t wait to see where he goes next!

Watch Carol Dweck’s TED TALK on The Power of Believing You Can Improve to see in action what Jakob is putting in action, and why it’s pillar of all of Camp Fire’s programs.