Listening – Your Conversation Superpower

Why does listening matter?

Showing kids that you are listening helps to build their self-esteem. What they are saying matters to someone! Whether you’re a parent, caregiver, teacher, mentor or camp counselor, when you show a child that you WANT to hear from them, you’re being a protective factor in their life.

And when kids feel like you’re a safe, stable person willing to hear from them, they’re more likely to come to you when they’re happy, when they’re sad or when they’re overwhelmed. And we want all kids to have multiple people in their lives that they can talk to!

How do I show that I’m listening?

You may already feel like you’re good at listening – and you may be! But we can always get better at it; it’s as easy as 1-2-3.

1. Minimize distractions so they feel like they have your full attention. If your phone is out, kids may feel like you’re distracted even if you aren’t looking at the screen. If you realize you’ve zoned out, own it: “I’m so sorry, I got distracted. Can you please repeat what you just said? I really want to hear from you.”
2. Give them signals.  Be a good audience, showing them genuine interest. Looking kids in the eye works well for younger ones, while tweens and teens may NOT want that much eye contact. However, they’ll want to see you nodding or hear you agreeing. Make sure you’re not just “Mmm hmmm”ing without really listening.
3. Reflect on what you hear. Rather than thinking about how you’ll respond, focus completely on what they’re saying and how they’re saying it. How do you think they’re feeling? Then say something back to them that clarifies if you’re understanding them: An example of this would be: “It sounds like you’re frustrated with how your test went because you studied hard but got surprised by some of the questions.”

What’s the most common mistake people make when trying to listen to kids?

You might be surprised by my answer, but it’s actually asking too many questions!

Have you ever noticed that you ask a bunch of questions and instead of sharing more, the kid you’re talking to clams up? That happens all the time!

Kids can feel overwhelmed or defensive, so they stop sharing just when we want to hear more. Instead, if you want them to keep going, try a gentle, open-ended prompt like, “Oh wow, I’d love to hear more about that,” or “What happened next?”

Sometimes kids come to you with problems. Ask them what they think would help first, before you try to solve it for them. They might have an idea, or not, but at least you took the time to hear out their ideas.

You have a superpower that you can use with kids – it costs nothing and can mean the world to a kid who wants to feel heard. As you practice listening, it will come more easily. And you never know what a kid might say, so this is one superpower that never gets boring or obsolete. 

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